Deadly Love
by ladytaki95
Summary: Yumichika falls into despair and ends his own life in hopes of escaping however, it doesn't work out when he returns to the soul society and discovers that he can still remember everything.
1. Chapter 1 Suicide

**Hello dear readers! Alright, so I have not written/finished any fanfictions in a while :0. I originally meant for this to be super short lol, but alright. I have decided to edit all the previous chapters before uploading the new one. This should be finished in the next 2-3 days. **

**WARNING: THIS IS A SUICIDE FIC IF YOU FIND THIS TOPIC UPSETTING PLEASE DON'T READ YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN BLEACH IT'S ALL TITE KUBO (IF I DID IT'D BE CLASSIFIED AS SHOUNEN AI/YAOI AND WELL EXPLICIT *LAUGHING*!)**

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**Chapter 1: Suicide**

It is so very simple to say that you are in love with someone. Especially when you see them every single day, but how do you know if you really love that person? If they are the one; your soul mate. Since my death and arrival to Soul Society I have never known. I got used to being hated and spat on for my looks. However, I do not know what love is and I do not think I ever will. Those were my thoughts for most of my time in Rukongai. Then, in a single defining instant everything changed. I met Ikkaku and my life changed for the better, for the most part. I felt a deep ache in my heart. I fell in love with him and a part of me had the desire to protect him. Although at the time I could not even protect myself. I wanted him to look at me with affection, with the same longing that I felt in my heart reflected in his eyes, yet I would have been happy with seeing him smile and laugh. Is that love? At first I did not know. Now years later I am one hundred percent sure that I am in love with my best friend, my straight best friend. How do I know, you must be wondering? How could I not know! I dream of him every night, when I close my eyes I see his face, those intense eyes watching me, loving me.

I have loved him for as long as I have known him. Yet I know that there is no hope of my feelings being returned. My love is one-sided and if he were to ever discover them he would learn to hate me. He is a bit homophobic and I would rather live this miserable fake life than lose his friendship. I feel that familiar ache in my chest as I close my eyes. I feel warm tears gathering at corners of my beautiful eyes. I know that he is with someone right now. I think everyone knows. I watched him leave the party with her and I truly envy her. She is plain, not at all as beautiful as I am, but she has the one thing I do not. She is a woman. I envy Byakuya and Renji and I hate Ukitake and Shunsui for having what I cannot have. What I will never know. They get to go home together. I watch Renji grin at Byakuya who returns that look with the smallest of smiles. I watch Shunsui pull Ukitake closer into his arms and I hate them. When this damned party is over I will walk home alone and wonder if I could have done something, anything, differently. If I had told Ikkaku how much I loved him before we joined the Thirteen Court Guard Squads would he have said he loved me?

I hate thinking about this. I hate the cold empty apartment I return to every day. I cannot remember when I started to see everything around me as ugly or worthless. When I started looking into a mirror and seeing so many flaws. Everywhere I look there are memories of what used to feel like heaven. As I moved further into the small apartment I was so happy I thought things would change and they did, but it was not for something better. Ikkaku hates me now. I can tell he looks at me as if he has never seen me before. He no longer talks to me. He spends all his time drinking and cannot even waste a second talking to me. I hide the fact that it bothers me. I hide the fact that I am slowly dying inside, I hide behind this damned mask, and I hide behind all my lies. I want him and I need him in a way that he will never need or want me. Every day it becomes harder and harder to wake up, because I know that I am unloved, unwanted. I look at the mirror and stare at my eyes, my face, my body, and I hate myself. I have never desired to be a girl more than I do when I see Ikkaku walking away with one. I can smile and pretend that nothing bothers me. I can laugh and tease him, but there is a void in my mind. I clench my fist as tightly as possible and hit the mirror. I watch with a twisted sort of satisfaction as my reflection shatters. I ignore the blood running down my arms.

As I stare at the fracture reflections I wonder what Ikkaku would feel, would do, if he came home and found me dead. He would probably be relieved. I guess that is why I do this to myself. The fact that my most precious person can ignore my existence so completely is the reason I hate myself. It is the reason why I hurt myself. I know that I need help, that I am suffering from some sort of depression, but when I think about how Ikkaku glares at me when he catches me staring. I know that he would not help me through treatment nor would he understand. He would probably leave me in a heartbeat. He would be glad that I am gone. Ikkaku saved me once a long time ago and I am grateful for the live he gave me, but I cannot stand this existence anymore. I walk into Ikkaku's room and crawl under his covers. I have done this so many times. The sheets smell like Ikkaku as I knew they would. I love his scent. It is strong and comforting. I finally let the tears run down my face as I recall all the times I have failed him. I weep for everything I never did, for everything I never said, for the failure I am, and for the secrets that I will take with me to my grave.

I can no longer remember when these thoughts started to haunt my waking moments. I cannot remember when I started to act this way and I cannot bring myself to care. Time passes as I bit my lip to keep my sobbing to a minimum. I drag myself up and walk to our small kitchen. I grab the knife that I hid there. I walk, calmly, to the bathroom. My mind is empty of all the bitterness. I find that I do not care anymore, the world is a bitch and she won. When I first met Ikkaku I told him that I would end up killing myself. I know he thought it was a joke, but a part of me always knew that this is where we would end up. As I sit down I cannot help but hope that he does not feel bad. I hope that he learns to forgive me for being so selfish. I hope that he finds someone to love that can cherish him as I do, and I hope that he will think fondly of me. As I raise the knife I hope for so many things that I know are dreams. I let the knife bite into my skin. There is only silence I do not cry out nor do I whimper or gasp at the pain. I lost Ikkaku. I lost my sanity and my joy for loving him, but if I could do all of this again I would suffer through all those days just so I could see him and make sure that he is happy, safe, and sound.

The world is slowly fading to black and I feel myself slipping further into the darkness. As I finally fall to the ground I feel the tears rolling down my face. I wonder when I started crying again. He will be the one to find me and a part of me hopes that he will find a moment to care about me. It does not matter that I am crying, he knows that I cry at night, and he knows that I cry easily. I am creature who is completely at the beck and call of his emotions. I can feel the darkness dragging me further down, consuming me, destroying me, and I am happy. I will finally stop hating myself. I hear a voice in the darkness. It calls my name. There is so much desperation in it that it temporarily drags me out of the darkness. It cannot be Ikkaku. He does not care, he never will, never did. I smile when I see him, he is blurry and I am delusional, and I try to whisper that I love him. That I am sorry for being a coward and I know that it is too late.

"Yumichika! Please! Yumi! Damn it open your eyes!" I am a pitiful creature I cannot even look at him. His voice lets me know that he cares. Yet, I cannot bring myself to fight against the darkness. I know he cannot save me and I know that he will easily move on. I was never that important to him so what does it matter if my life is wasted. I feel as I am floating away and yet I can hear him screaming something. I cannot tell what it is. As I finally fade completely I feel as if I have missed something important. Something that should have been obvious.


	2. Chapter 2 Regret

**AN: I actually like how this is turning out. I think it's really sad though but w.e. Thanks for the reviews and heres chapter two Ikkaku's POV on what's happened and happening. Hope you enjoy! **

**Grrr I have tried to upload this several times but it kept sending me to this error page things! I'm so sorry I know I said i'd update sooner. Sorry!**

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Chapter 2 Regret

I walk home alone, like I always do, even though I always leave with a woman I never take them anywhere but to their homes. Yumichika probably knows that that's why he stays by my side, because he knows that I love him. I smile I've always loved him but I fear losing his friendship if I mess up, like I always do. I can't stand that thought. I want to make Yumichika happy but I know that I'm not worthy of having his love. I do love him I dream of him and every time I think of having a lover I see his face it's impossible for me to love anyone else.

I know he cares about me but I doubt he loves me how I love him. He would tell me if he did. I watched him today look at Ukitake and Shunsui with hatred and at Renji and Byakuya with envy. I felt so confused he was never like that he admired them, always had, I never understood why. When did my Yumi become hateful. I don't know he has changed since we joined the Zaraki Squad. He isn't the Yumichika I saved and I don't know if I like or hate that fact. I used to see Yumichika as a small defenseless child who needed me. Now I stay away because he doesn't. I've distanced myself from him because I think that's what he wants.

I can't wait to get home and watch Yumichika's peaceful sleeping face. It's the only time I can watch him without fear of him noticing. I know that it's not a warm happy home that I return to everyday but it's close enough. I once told Yumichika I hated same gendered relationships just because I was hurting and I wanted to hurt someone back. I didn't care who I hurt that day I was pissed off. I have never seen such pain in those beautiful eyes I know I fucked up by saying that, but I doubt it's bad. He's a very happy person and I know he loves himself. Who wouldn't love him? I've lately thought of Yumichika being confident and self-centered, but he wasn't always like that. I love him either way I always will no matter what happens or what secrets he keeps from me.

I open the door and instantly know something isn't right. I can't feel Yumichika's reitsu anywhere and it's so quite as if no one is there. I feel a sense of dread as I walk towards Yumichika's room. There is broken glass everywhere and I wonder what happened. I call out his name and get no reply. I want to scream! I'm terrified as I walk towards the bathrooms closed-door and knock. There is no answer and I feel my throat clench I don't know why but I feel that I'm too late. I only know why when I open the door. My breath catches. I feel tears making their journey down my cheeks and I don't care. I don't want to pretend that I'm fine that it doesn't hurt because it does hurt! It hurts more than anything I've ever felt.

"Yumichika!" I cry out moving towards his still form and I hate myself. How could I not noticed that he was dying! How could I say I love him and come home to this? I pull him into a gentle embrace and bury my face into his shirt. I hear him whisper he loves me and that he's sorry for being a coward. He can't be as sorry as I am. He was never a coward he was so brave, so precious. I was to blind to see that. I was to stupid to not see his eyes lose their shine, that he didn't smile, and that he stopped talking to me about his problems. I feel like the idiot people always call me for not seeing it. I didn't see the changes he forced on himself.

I lean forward and kiss his cold lips. I know he's gone and I know that he escaped the pain. I don't know why but I feel that this is all my fault. That I should have been there to stop him to tell him everything is ok and that I love him, it's too late now. I lost the brightness in my life. The funeral preparations came and went. I didn't go to the funeral I wondered around wondering why he did it. I found my answer in the back of his favorite painting. I hadn't moved anything since he died I couldn't bring myself to move anything, because that would be admitting that he's dead. I look at the note and wonder why. He hated himself and I didn't notice. He said he had been cutting himself, that he cried himself to sleep on my bed every time I left with a woman, and he wondered if I knew and simply didn't care. I never noticed... he seemed so happy. Where did I go wrong? Did I not love him enough?

When I return home I hate the house its to cold and far to lonely. I just wish I had another chance... A chance to make everything right, but then again maybe I deserve this. I never cared enough I didn't make the effort to care. I stare at a picture of him and cry myself to sleep. Now a days all I can do is cry or drink to dull the ache in my heart. I miss him. Everyone says it's not my fault that things happen. I don't believe them Renji says that Yumichika would want me to be happy, but I don't see what happiness there can be when he's gone.

The days faded to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, and one year became ten and so on. I didn't keep much track of time. I was dead inside ever since he left I've been a hollow shell of myself. I walk through the academy searching for him and the day I find him I want to pull him into my arms and tell him that its ok that he did nothing wrong, but I don't. I see him laughing and smiling with his friends and I know that if I went near him I'd only hurt him again. So I walk away and I watch from far away as he smiles and laughs and I smile because he's finally happy. I know now that I can die in peace that I can die knowing that he's ok...

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**I think this is the first time I haven't made Ikkaku completely dumb or dense. Poor Ikkaku. Please review it makes me happy!**


	3. Chapter 3 Knowledge

**A/N: I am on a roll editing this lol. At least this story is not as cringe worthy as my others. Oh well, I am going to finish editing this story today believe it and hopefully get the next few chapters out in the next couple of days. Hope you guys enjoy and I am sorry for my hiatus of like a year... or was it two. **

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**Chapter 3 Knowledge**

I know that he watches me and I actually find myself enjoying it. Is that weird? Ikkaku Madarame is one of the best captains in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads. Rumor has it that he used to be a badass. The type that loved violence, loved to fight, and too kill. However, now he just looks very sad and lost, he is defeated. I heard that he had a friend with the same name as me, Yumichika Ayasegawa and they say that he killed himself. The rumor goes that Ikkaku found him on the bathroom floor dead. As I watch Captain Madarame walk away I know that he blames himself. I wonder why, but I could never ask him that. I once walked right into him all my friends thought he would yell at me, cuss me out, but he just mumbled a sorry and walked away. I had been told that he had a terrible temper yet he seemed to be a broken old man waiting to die. I do not know why but that really hurts me. It felt as if I had been hit in the face, my heart ached for him.

I do not know why, but I sometimes think that he hates me – I have no logical reason for saying that, but I think that it is true. I hum softly as I walk towards the academy, but I stop, shocked, when I see Captain Madarame walking with a bunch of flowers in his hand. It surprises me that someone like him would ever have flowers in his hands. It is a weird sight. Watching him walk away I feel curiosity bubble up inside of me. So, I follow him as quietly as I can. I watch as he walks towards a grace and he sits down. He says hello to Yumichika Ayasegawa. I wonder why he would come to such a place, why he does not move on, why seems so lost, so sad, and lonely. I walk towards him as if drawn by an invisible force. I introduce myself.

He asks me what I am doing at a graveyard. All I can do is tell him the truth. I tell how I saw him and that he looked like he needed some company. He tells me he comes to this grave every week to visit the only person he ever loved. I wish there were something I could do to help him. He has suffered enough. I watch in silence as he tells me about Yumi. For some odd reason I watch this man and feel an overwhelming regret. I do not know why, but I feel as if I am responsible for his pain. As he talks I know that he really loved that man with all his heart, but he was too late to tell him the truth. All that remains of the Ikkaku from the rumors is this empty shell. He is terribly lonely and it makes my heart cry out for him. He was not confident enough to tell Yumichika three simple, meaningful, words; the words that could have saved his life.

I watch as a single tear rolls down his cheek. I know he is waiting for either Yumichika to come back or for his own death. When I ask him if he is waiting for Yumi he simply shakes his head, and tells me that he would never go near his Yumi again. He fears harming him and I wonder why. It is so obvious that he loves Yumi so, why would he fear causing him pain. I tell him that and I ask why he would not chase Yumi. He laughs a bitter, inhuman, sound. He says that he already caused Yumi too much pain, far too much pain, and he could, would not, let himself harm him again. I cannot imagine how that most feel to cause the person you love so much pain that they would kill themselves, that they would just disappear from my life, and knowing that if I were given a second chance to be with them I would give him up.

I stand there and watch Ikkaku. I do not say anything else. I simply cannot find words to say, because I know I cannot make things better. I do not know how to comfort a person let alone someone who has been suffering alone for centuries. A part of me wonders why he does not forget Yumichika. Would that not be easier than waiting for someone who will not remember him? When I ask him he gets a bit upset, but he says he wants to watch over his Yumi, he wants to protect him. He tells me that he and Yumi where friends for centuries before he died. Ikkaku had saved him and Yumi had stayed by his side for many years after that, his entire life spent by Ikkaku's side. I wonder why someone would give up such a beautiful friendship. I do not know why I know that it was a beautiful friendship, but after thinking things over I think that I would have to know Yumi and his side of the story to understand what happened.

I do not know what love is like. I do not know how to love someone, but when I see such a strong man reduced to nothing more than an empty shell I know that I never want to know what love feels like. When I voice my thoughts out loud he says nothing. He has a sad, knowing smile, on his face. He laughs, a sad laugh, before getting up and saying that he would be back soon. I know that he is no longer talking to me and I know that I no longer exist in his universe. I stare at the grave of a man who died before his time. I stare at the grave and slowly my dreams make sense. I know that Yumi and I are one in the same. I know that in my heart and mind I am him and I know that I could save Ikkaku. I do not say anything as he walks away. I wonder why I cannot remember everything, why I ended my life. I want to change this morbid reality, but it seems that I am too late. It seems that the story of my life, our lives is over. It is too late for our happy ever after. I know that Ikkaku will continue to watch me to make sure I am ok, but I want more. I want what I had in my previous life. That day I decided to change things, I will mend our broken hearts, and change his view on my rebirth. I realize that I have a chance at a happy ending, but I have to take matters into my own hands. I cannot stand around waiting for Ikkaku to make a move. I will take my life into my own hands.


	4. Chapter 4 New Beginings

**AN: Hahaha I'm proud of myself I've updated two of my stories this week that's a miracle. It's really funny this was supposed to be three chapters long and be a tragedy of sorts yet I can't leave it at that it's to upsetting so there should be one to two more chapters and then this story is complete. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 4 New beginnings

**Ikkaku's POV**

Yumichika graduated from the academy today I'm so proud of him. He was put in my squad by the old man I don't know whether to be happy about it or pissed off. The first day he got to the squad barracks someone insulted him for his feminine looks and would be in the fourth for on unknown amount of time. I laughed when I heard the news! That was the first time I'd laughed in such a long time and somehow it felt right that Yumichika would be the reason for my joy. However, I still had to talk to Yumichika about his actions.

"I did nothing wrong I fixed his ugly face..." Yumichika had said instantly taking the defensive like he usually did. I chuckled softly at the look on his pretty face. I couldn't help laughing when he glared at me. I think he knows what he means to me, what he is to me. I think he remembers or is starting to remember his previous life and I'm glad and frightened by it at the same time.

"Yumichika even if ya think that it's no excuse for beating up my third seat." I tried to explain but I know it's pointless. Yumichika watches me with this sad look in his eyes that tells me that he wants to say something but can't find the heart to do so. I feel guilty when he simply gets up, shoulders slumped, and head bowed he apologizes before walking away. I know that he's upset and I also know he has no friends in this squad... My heart tells me to go after him, but I don't I don't want to hurt him again.

**Yumichika's POV**

I can't believe Ikkaku would call me out on my first day he acts like I'm stupid! I know who I am I requested to be put in squad 5 their former lieutenant Hinamori Momo was now in squad ten meaning that Ikkaku could make me his lieutenant yet nothing he didn't even make me a seated officer. To make my first day worse that pig that was Ikkaku's third seat called me a girl! I doubt he'll ever come back to the 5th squad Ruri'iro Kujaku and I taught him a beautiful lesson.

I decided to join the 5th Squad because Ikkaku's the Captain and I want him to know that I'm still here that I'm still waiting. A few hours after he lectures me he takes me out to drink some tea and we talk. It almost feels like how it used to be. I regained all my memories and all of my powers in a few years. I think Ikkaku knows that too, but he wants to stick to his promise of staying away from me... It pains me to know that. He trains me in private to make sure I can take care of myself. I have noticed that he doesn't drink with Shuuhei and all his friends anymore. Being my typical self I tried to find out why and I hated what I learned.

Hisagi blamed Ikkaku for my death and started pushing Ikkaku away or just leaving Ikkaku to deal with his living hell on his own. Kira being the spineless follower didn't stick around only Renji and Iba did for that I thank them. It turns out that after my death Ikkaku was forced into captaincy because he used his bankai on a mission. He most have gotten angry or something to do that. I love my idiot and I wish I could change the past I truly do. I don't know what I can do... I don't know what to do to win back what is rightfully mine.

**Ikkaku's POV**

It's been a whole month now and Yumichika's as perfect as always. I hadn't realized how horrible the paperwork was until Yumichika came back it was all neat and fucking perfect now. Just like him perfect. Yumichika is mad at me again ever since he joined my squad he has wanted to become a seated officer, I can't blame him, but I can't let him get hurt again. It's been fight after fight Yumichika has beaten every seated officer I have some are still at the Fourth recovering. I don't know whether to laugh or worry. I tried talking to him but he tells me they deserved it, that they weren't beautiful, or worthy enough. Speaking of the devil Yumichika finally showed up for out training session.

"It's rude to be late Yumichika." I tell him and he simply rolls his eyes this all seems so familiar to me.

"I had to look perfect Captain you know that better than anyone else!" And I do know. I also know that his memories are back I wish they weren't it'd make my life a hell of a lot easier. He is as stubborn as ever and he knows I wont punish him for it even back in the Zaraki squad no matter how annoying he got I always thought it was adorable. There I go again... He watches me so intently as if trying to figure something out but I can't read his mind I've never been able to.

**Yumichika's Pov**

After one of our training session, which I have come to love over the last year, we were called by the head captain to go on a mission to the outskirts of Rukongai. Since Ikkaku never decided on a lieutenant and I had put several of his seated officers out of commission he was forced to take me along. I say forced because he acts as if it's a form of punishment and I guess to him it is. I'm still young in the eyes of the Soul Society and I'm even shorter now since I'm not as old as I was when I was the fifth seated officer of the Zaraki Squad. I refuse to say when I killed myself it sounds to ugly. I watch Ikkaku walk towards a forest that's where the arrancar was last spotted. I watch Ikkaku closely but he doesn't look at me. He looks anywhere but at me. I can't stand it he used to look at me as a friend, a comrade, and his partner now he can't even stand to look at me.

He doesn't talk to me much only when we are training or when I do something wrong that's why I'm acting out it's the only way I can get his attention. He doesn't even take me out to drink tea with him like the first day... I follow him deep in thought. I watch him with longing I know but I feel so lost without him. I live alone I've never lived alone it's always been with Ikkaku ever since we met. I miss his stupid comments and jokes, I miss him telling me good night, I miss him calling me beautiful, or taking care of me when I'm sick. I miss everything about him.

I wasn't paying attention and he looks pissed off. I look at him and try to act as if I had paid attention to his words. He looks at me angrily and I've never felt so pathetic as I do now. I think he's starting to hate me...

"Yumichika pay attention! Honestly all you're good at is starting fights!" Ikkaku growls out at me. He never used that tone of voice with me before... It's amazing how much he's changed with me. I don't say anything simply look away letting my long hair cover my face. I can't hide the hurt in my eyes or voice I've done everything I could to get his attention to tell him I'm here. Yet he ignores me or acts like I'm not his Yumichika. I hate it I was closer to what I wanted before my suicide... I close my eyes trying to rein in my emotions. Ikkaku has stopped talking and I simply lay down my back turned on him.

I can't bring myself to act as if how treats me doesn't bothers me. I can't go back to how I used to be... I've lied to myself for far to long. I can't hurt myself like that again. I know we are going to stay here for the night so I don't get up or move when he walks off. I simply stay on the ground, curled up, and let all the insults and harsh comments wash over me like a waterfall. I don't cry I have no tears left. It did surprise me when Ikkaku started insulting me I don't know why I thought everything would get better. I sigh grabbing Ruri'iro Kujaku's hilt I spend sometime talking to him we've been getting along better now a days even though he hasn't entirely forgiven me for calling him Fuji Kujaku. I know that he'll always be there to catch me when I fall. Like now when I can't even be Ikkaku's best friend anymore.

"Oi Yumichika get up we're going to eat." Ikkaku says and I turn to look at him with a sad smile.

"I'm not very hungry thank you anyways..." I rest my head on my arm and watch Ikkaku eat. He doesn't look at me during his meal or after. Even when he settles in for the night he doesn't look at me. I smile sadly I would do anything to stop the loneliness that haunts me now a days. I get up and walk into the woods I don't know for how long I walk before I run into the arrancar since I wasn't paying much attention I'm thrown into a tree the air is knocked out of my lungs, and I fall flat on my face. I barely manage to get out of the way of a very powerful kick which hits the tree behind me and shatters it.

I wonder where Ikkaku's at as I use Fuji Kujaku to block even though I know Ruri'iro hates it when I don't use his full power he understands why I don't. Even though I block the attack it still sends me flying he's too strong... no that's not right I'm just to weak...

**Ikkaku's pov**

I do feel guilty about treating Yumichika like that but I need him to get stronger and be proud. I feel my heart sink when he refuses to eat and I watch his back disappear into the trees and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by pushing him away. That's when I felt the arrancar's reitsu and Yumi's... I was terrified I couldn't lose Yumichika again. I couldn't survive that, not again. I rushed towards the fight without any thoughts on my safety or even making a plan. The first sight that greets me is Yumichika being straggled by the arrancar. I growl out a curse and attack. I'm fighting blindly trying to take the fight away from Yumi I can't let him get hurt. I wont fail to protect him again.

I watch Yumichika get up and shake his head. I feel relieved that Yumichika's fine I should have paid more attention to the tall black haired arrancar attacking me. He managed to hit me sending me flying into the trees. I get back up instantly I wont let it turn its attention to Yumichika. I need to win without Yumichika getting hurt again I have to talk to him about how I feel before something like this happens again I need him. I need to stop pushing him away I want him back in my life... I grin this is going to be one hell of a fight.

**Yumichika's Pov**

My head hurts but I have to get up and help Ikkaku if not I'm going to lose him again I can't I wont lose him again. As I get up I see a look of relief on his face but he wasn't paying attention and was hit through the trees. I'm amazed when he gets up almost instantly. I'm amazed and a bit worried especially when he tells me not to help him. I knew he'd say that but It still hurts. I watch the fight with a tight grip on the hilt of my sword I want to help him, but I don't.

As the fight goes on and becomes more heated I see that smile on Ikkaku's face and I know that he's happy which makes me very happy. I continue to watch he's using his bankai and it's amazing! I love him, I love watching him fight, and I love him for defending me. I watch the fight for a while before they collide one last time and fly in separate directions. I'm not afraid as I walk towards Ikkaku I know he's alive injured but alive. I help him up and take him home, leaning on my shoulder, which is very difficult for us since I'm not as tall as I used to be. Even so I take him to the fourth and watch as they tend to his injuries.

As they leave his room I watch him and I wonder whether I should leave, but I can't I've never left his side when he's injured. I could never leave him like this.

"Ikkaku what do you want me to do? I need you to tell me! I don't know whether you want me at your side or want me as far away as you can get me. I don't know what to do Ikkaku... I know you know that I remember everything. I remember the loneliness I felt when we were Zaraki's squad I remember when said you hated homosexuality. I don't care though I forgave you long ago. I just want my best friend back..." I whispered before gasping as Ikkaku chuckles softly at me.

"Yumi I've always wanted ya at my side no matter what. I don't have homosexuality and I've missed my best friend too. I'm sorry for everything I've done ta ya. I know ya deserve better than me..." Ikkaku stated. I watched him as I hesitantly walk towards the bed and sit at his side before he takes my hand in his. I smile weakly.

"I love you Ikkaku. You know that right?" I asked softly I don't want anyone to hear me, but him only Ikkaku can hear those words.

"Yeah I do. I love you too my beautiful Yumi." Ikkaku whispers one of his hands cups my face caressing my cheek before moving to the back of my head pulling me down towards him. My eyes are wide with shock I know and I know I'm blushing as he pulls me down into a chaste kiss. He pulls back and smiles at me before kissing me again I gasp when I feel him suck on my lower lip. I let out a soft moan when his tongue explores my mouth I feel like I'm in heaven. As he pulls away I whimper hearing him chuckle I smile a shy little smile as he watches me intently. He pulls me into a gentle hug and I sleep in his arms knowing I'm where I belong.

When I wake up the next morning I feel as if I'm floating. I watch Ikkaku sleep for a while before his eyes open. He smiles at me and I smile back I don't know where we are going, but I'm sure everything will be fine as long as we are together. Ikkaku grins as he kisses me again and I can't help but laugh at the amount of joy I feel at that moment. I went from hating myself and feeling unloved, to dying and coming back to discover my best friend did love me all along. I know I'll have to wait for Ikkaku to recover before we talk about our future but I know that there is hope because he loves me and that's all that matters.

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**AN: This was very confusing to write lol well I hope you liked it plz review and tell me if you liked or if you didn't just let me now someones reading it! Bye bye for now.**


	5. Chapter 5 My Heart Is Broken

**_A/N: _I know it has been forever since I last update anything and I apologize for that. Anyways this story has taken a turn I was planing to write a story with the theme I've introduced to this story but I ended up mixing them together. This is a sadish chapter inspired by My Heart is Broken by Evanescence and my break up with a guy I loved a lot but life goes on and I just used it to inspire this chapter. Hope you guys enjoy, sorry for the delay, and sorry it's so short! **

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**Chapter 5: My Heart Is Broken**

**Yumichika's POV**

When I died I believed everything would be better I believed that Ikkaku would forget me. I wanted to erase my love for him so that I could no longer feel the pain that was caused by the absence of my true love. When I returned to the Soul Society with all my memories I believed myself cursed. The three weeks Ikkaku spent in the hospital were amazing he showered me with affection and made me fall further in love with him. I was so happy he held me, caressed me, complimented me, and loved me. I have never been happier! I thought everything was perfect we spent so much time together I truly thought everything was getting better I was wrong. I let myself love Ikkaku more each moment we spent together, but Ikkaku... Ikkaku has been acting differently... He is closing off from me...

My baby was realized from the hospital a few weeks ago but I have been unable to see him. My doubts grow with each passing day that he does not love me. I think about him constantly and I wonder what he's doing. He claimed to love me yet he's ignoring me now I don't know what to do. I am haunted by memories that I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget him it'd be better than this confusion. I want my best friend back yet I know that he no longer gives a damn about me I held on to my memories for him and only him. I held on to my love and now it's breaking my heart. I know not what to do. I have spent the last few weeks wondering what's going on and than I noticed how he looked at Kira. Kira of all people! It's heart breaking so I went and did some research about the time time I had been... absent. I heard many rumors that told me that they had been together. I felt the sting of betrayal all over again.

I still consider Ikkaku my only one even after learning that. I don't know what to do I wish I had forgotten how much I love him. I wish I could forget. I feel so broken even though he claims to love me why does he ignore me, why does he talk to Kira but not me, why wont he spend time with me? I miss my Ikkaku... I don't know what's wrong with me I thought I was stronger than this. Ikkaku kissed me! I thought everything would start over again but as soon as he was released from the hospital he threw me aside for Kira. I don't understand what he has that I don't. I'm far more beautiful, I'm more confident, I'm far more intelligent, and I'm a lot stronger than he is! What hurts the most is I'm still standing up for Ikkaku! I don't hate him and I'm not mad even though he doesn't give a damn about me!

I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to do what I'm thinking about doing but there might be no other choice. I get up and walk towards Ikkaku's room. I'm going to spy on Ikkaku I walk into the room and look around searching for traces of spiritual pressure that don't belong to Ikkaku or myself. I find none. My eyes narrow as I continue to look around I don't see anything out of place, I don't see anything that shouldn't be there, and I don't see any proof that Kira has been in Ikkaku's room. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing, but I'm not that stupid. I know somethings wrong and I know Ikkaku wont tell me. I want to understand. That's when I hear Ikkaku opening the door I sit down and wait. Ikkaku looks startled to see me there.

"What's wrong?" He asked looking shocked and confused.

"I don't know you tell me Kaku." I whispered my voice is cold he knows that my voice only sounds like that when I'm at the brink of tears.

"Nothings wrong Yumichika." I watch and my face most show my pain for he looks regretful. He never calls me Yumichika when we are alone it's always Yumi.

"I see. So you wont tell me why you've been acting so strangely?" I ask I can feel my lower lip tremble I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes and it's becoming difficult to look at him. Ikkaku glares at me he doesn't want to talk about this, but something has to be done.

"Strangely? How the hell do you want me to act?" I flinch Ikkaku never talks to me like that there is anger, resentment there and I feel my heart breaking.

"That's what I'm talking about Ikkaku you have been snapping at me, avoiding me, ignoring me, and hurting me! What's wrong I know it has something to do with me so please tell me!" I cry out I don't know why the tears have started to fall I know deep in my heart that my world is crumbling again. I want to hold on like I always have. I am the fool who loves you till the end, I am the idiot that trusts you with my heart, and I am the man that can't give up on you. I sound like a girl... Ikkaku looks mad, I lower my gaze to the ground so that he wont see my tears.

"I think we should go back to being friends Yumichika. I don't feel the same way I used to about you... I'm sorry." As he says that I feel my heart shatter and all I can think about is a single quote ringing through my mind "I'm going to smile and make you think I'm happy, I'm going to laugh so you don't see me cry, I'm going to let you go in style, and even if it kills me – I'm going to smile." That's exactly what I did I smiled through my tears and nodded before walking away. I don't know how I didn't break down right than and there.

I rushed to Rangiku's place that's when I finally broke down. She hugged me and tried to comfort me with stories but it didn't work. I felt worthless. Ikkaku had moved on in my absence and I didn't know how to let go. I wanted to die again I didn't know loving someone was this painful, at least that's what I would have said if it were true. I have lied to myself countless times. I held on to something that could never be mine. Even though it pains me to know I mean nothing to Ikkaku I want to use the experience and help others gain what I never had. I want others to know that there is someone out there for them and I want to help them find that special someone. I want others to feel the joy I felt even it is for a single moment it is worth it. I meant to kill Ikkaku and myself when I realized what was going to happen but I wasn't able to bring myself to such extreme measures.

I am heartbroken and I am a wreck I have barely eaten and I am barely sleeping. I moved all of my belongs to the squad six barracks where I will be acting as Byakuya's new fukutaicho since Renji was promoted a few years back Byakuya has not replaced him. Ichigo is a taicho now it's hard to believe how many things have changed Rukia is his fukutaicho several of his friends, even the quincy, have joined the ranks of soul reapers. Everything kept moving forward the pain was still there I realize it will take forever to fully heal and even then a scar will remain, but I look towards the future for hope that Ikkaku will forgive me for trying again. I pray to whatever gods are out there that Ikkaku learns to trust me again I might have lost the man I love but I don't want to lose my dearest friend too. I hope that someday everything will return to normal I know that it might take a lifetime for Ikkaku to realize that no one will put up with his shit like I do. For now I'm going to play matchmaker and make these would be couples couples. I learned from my pain that love is the most beautiful thing out there and I want others to feel that kind of bond. I'm thinking of starting with Byakuya and Renji. I was surprised they didn't end up together in my absence.

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**A/N: So what do you guys think haha reviews, comments, ideas for the story or improvement are always welcomed. Thank you for reading hope you have a great day! :)**


	6. Chapter 6 Broken Promises

**AN: **It's been forever since I've posted anything sorry about that. Well this is chapter 6 I'm thinking of writing eight more chapters for this fic, but I'm still not sure. I also hope to update sooner. Sorry for the late update but here is chapter 6 hope you enjoy.

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**Chapter 6 : Broken Promises**

**Yumichika's POV**

I had chosen to keep my suffering to myself. I was very lonely but I noticed that the people around me still had a chance to be happy. I tried to talk to Ikkaku but he only lashed out at me and now I'm just avoiding him... It's painful to avoid your shadow, the person that you've spent years, centuries, with. I have my own apartment now and a completely different schedule I avoid Ikkaku constantly I'm tired of getting hurt by him. He has hurt me for far too long and I can't stand it. I loved him and he threw it all away that is not my fault. At least that's what I keep telling myself... I find that I blame myself all the time.

Even though I avoid talking to Ikkaku I keep tabs on him I hear the rumors and the stories. I find myself smiling at them Yachiru likes to visit me even though she can be annoying she's a sweet girl. I love her stories about Ikkaku they're always so cute... I'm trying to be stronger I'm trying to fight for what I want but at the same time I want to run away. I want to use my experience to help others meet their soul mates and never harm them. After all love, true love, is such a beautiful thing. The first thing I realized however, was that some of my memories hadn't fully returned or were mixed up. It was taking a while longer to regain them completely and make sense of all of them.

The first thing I wanted to do was help Byakuya and Renji. I had learned through my constant research or by being nosy that they'd had a terrible fallout. I had forgotten they were together to begin with. I had to figure out what other memories were wrong or incomplete. I swore to myself that I was going to fix whatever happened between Renji and Byakuya which I'm still wondering how I could have forgotten that they'd been together I remember the anger and jealousy I felt around them, well now I remember it... I now know that Renji had messed everything up... Why are there so many guys that are complete idiots that don't realize what they have until it's too late.

_Several Years Ago_

_Renji walked into Byakuya's room completely drunk. As he walked towards his lover he didn't notice the look of disdain on Byakuya's face. They'd been together for a long time and Renji knew that Byakuya hated seeing him drunk yet he ignored the look that his lover gave him and continued walking towards his captain. As soon as he was standing in front of Byakuya he felt Byakuya's hand connect with his cheek even drunk he could still feel the pain. Even drunk he could tell that there was something wrong with Byakuya, he was acting so strange and getting slapped had confirmed his hunch. Byakuya stood there watching him with those beautiful slate gray eyes. _

_ "Why Renji?" Came the soft question he didn't know how to answer he wasn't even sure what Byakuya was talking about for once he was clueless where his lover was concerned. Now that he realized that his lover was unhappy it helped to sober him up a bit. _

_ "Why what Byakuya?" He watched Byakuya's gaze go to the top corner then down avoiding his gaze... Hiding the feelings that were trying to break through. When he closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breathe he began to worry._

_ "Please Abarai don't act stupid with me." Byakuya's voice didn't have it's usual cold edge to it. It sounded almost broken, there was sorrow in it, and fear._

_ "I'm not acting dumb Taicho... I don't know what you're talking about!" Renji growled it pissed him off when Byakuya chose to close off and talk in riddles. With a sigh Byakuya replied in a hushed voice that did nothing to conceal his pain. _

_ "I saw you with that woman Abaria... Why, why would you do this to me? I thought..." Byakuya stopped his eyes pleading with Renji for a logical explanation for something to help them fix this, but Renji didn't answer. When he saw the anger that started to flare in Byakuya's beautiful eyes he started to get annoyed with this man. He felt he didn't have to explain anything to Byakuya after all he had never once given a damn about him. He'd always been cold barely showing any emotions... Except that day... a small voice in his head whispered. _

_ "Why does it matter to you? I can do whatever the hell I want Byakuya you don't care you never have so stop acting like this hurts you like you actually love me... Don't lie to yourself or to me the only person you ever loved was Hisana! Don't you think it's time you moved on. She's dead!" Renji sneered. Byakuya took a step back shocked. The hurt that Byakuya felt was written on his pale face. Renji swallowed the lump in his throat he'd never meant to say that. He saw the signs of tears that his captain, friend, lover was trying so desperately to hide. _

_ "Abaria..." His voice had that cold edge to it. It was a warning, but all it did was piss Renji off. Before he knew what had come over him Renji took a step forward and back handed Byakuya. He watched in slow-motion as Byakuya fell to the bed. He expected rage, he expected Sebonzakura to tear him apart, but he didn't get any of that... He was shocked when Byakuya simply turn his back on Renji, curled up, and he could see the trembling of his shoulders. Shoulders that bared the weight of the world... Shoulders so used to bearing more weight then they were able too. The beautiful black hair that had been cut short because he liked it that way. He couldn't stand it seeing his lover just laying there, not looking at him, when what he wanted was a fight. It was so unlike the Byakuya he'd known all those years the man whose temper could kill. And yet it made perfect sense for years he'd hid all the pain he felt in a way it was the final straw. Byakuya Kuchiki wasn't as emotionless as everyone thought. _

_ "... Bya..." He walked towards their... no his bed... unsure if he was right when he saw the tears running down his pale face he wanted to crawl into the bed and hold Byakuya, but instead he ran like a coward away from the best thing that had ever happened to him. He ran terrified of what he'd done and unable to comprehend what had just happened. As he passed one of the low tables in the room he noticed, for the first time, the candles, the flowers, and the present with a card written in Byakuya's perfect handwriting "Happy Anniversary". Renji almost chocked on a sob what had he done... He thought back to when he had told Byakuya how he felt. He remembered Byakuya's fears and he'd sworn to never break Byakuya's heart. He had promised Byakuya to never leave him, to never harm him, and to always protect him. He turned to look back and caught sight of the short black hair and the white robe... 'Our anniversary...I didn't even remember... How could I fuck that up? How could I be so stupid? I'm so sorry Byakuya...' With that thought in his mind he fled and didn't look back again if he had he would have seen gray eyes filled with tears pleading with him to stay. If he had turned back he would have heard the heartbroken whisper that escaped soft pink lips. _

_ The next day Byakuya didn't show up at work and Renji began to worry especially when two days passed with no sign of him. On the fourth day Byakuya returned when he went into his captains office with every intention of begging for forgiveness he was shocked when he saw the bruise he'd left on the pale face. Before he could say anything Byakuya stood up and handed him a letter. When he read it he discovered it was telling him he'd be taking the captaincy test. _

_ "You should be honored Abaria Fukutaicho. You will take the test and become a captain. You wont have to see me again unless we are at a captains meeting. Before you argue it is for the best you hit the head of the Kuchiki clan it took a lot of convincing from me to get them to let you live. Goodbye... Renji..." The last part was no more then a whisper so full of pain that it tore at Renji's heart. He watched Byakuya grab his paperwork and flash step away. Renji turned around and went home. He wanted to cry it hurt so much. The last image of his lover had been of Byakuya's back as he left. Renji took the test and passed he became a captain. He didn't speak to Byakuya alone it just didn't seem right. He was never able to apologize for the wrongs he'd committed. He missed Byakuya terribly everyday there was an ache in his chest. The joy that he'd experienced with Byakuya by his side was gone. He was haunted by memories of their happier times and of that day when he destroyed the thing that kept him going. As the years passed he continued to love Byakuya from a distance unable to apologize..._

_ Even though he was suffering he never talked to Byakuya if he had he would have realized that Byakuya was still waiting for him. That this proud noble man was so in love with him that the pain of a broken heart and the agony of watching the one you love walk away when you need them the most had not destroyed that love. He missed Renji as much as Renji missed him if not more everyday was a struggle to get out of a cold empty bed, to go into a silent office where he kept seeing flashes of red, and to go home to the loneliness he had forgotten after a few years with Renji. _

**Yumichika's POV (Present)**

I sighed. I wasn't sure how to fix their relationship, but after talking to both of them I was sure that they were still meant to be. They were so obviously still in love. I knew I had to help them see that somehow...

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Tell me what you think. Hope you enjoyed this bye bye for now.


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